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Respeck Knuckles

Of Landlines & Scammers

I still have a landline for entertainment purposes. Scammers call and I can go all Jerky Boys on them, which is exactly what I needed this evening after installing a new toilet.

The phone goes off and the Caller ID is all zeroes. Excellent! This is heavily edited in case there are children in the room....


Me: Hello? Hello! (repeat another eight or nine times because nobody is on the other end until...)
Scammer: Hello, sir?
Me: Hello?
Scammer: Sir! Hello!
Me: Oh my, nobody was there so I thought something happened to you.
Scammer: Sir, I am here.
Me: Are you in danger?
Scammer: hahaha No, sir, I am not in danger. Is this James?
Me: I'm glad you are alright.
Scammer: Sir, is this James?
Me: Yes.
Scammer: Good, I am [name redacted] from Microsoft. Are you near your computer?
Me: Yes, I am.
Scammer: Good. I need you to press the Windows key and press the letter R...
Me: I don't have a Windows key on my Mac keyboard.
Scammer: Sir, you have a Windows computer. Press the Windows key...
Me: Are you saying I do not have an iMac and a Mac Mini?
Scammer: Yes, you have a Windows computer.
Me: I have two Apple computers.
Scammer: Sir, you are lying.
Me: C'mon, don't say that. You will burn in hell for calling me a liar when I am not lying. I want us to be friends. I want to bring chicken wings over to your house and watch football...
Scammer: Sir...
Me: ...and I think we'd be pals, but you can't call me a liar.
Scammer: Sir... [then he whispered something obscene to me]
Me: How can we be friends when you say that to me?

From there the improve broke down a little because he went out of scammer character and let off a tirade of filth the likes of which I hope you never hear. Sure, I responded in a friendly voice with things like, “Oh no, I won't do those things, but I will...” and he kept going on for a literal minute as his speaking got faster and his accent got thicker.

The moral of the story: Microsoft apparently hires foul mouthed people that call you on the telephone because handling things electronically in the Internet Age is too unreliable. And if you have a sense of humor and feel that tweaking criminals is alright then you have fun at the most unexpected times.

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