Smarter Than a Monkey, Cheaper Than a Robot. ([info]jimb) wrote,
2007-06-19 15:00:00
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Jim Sets the Record Straight

It seems that many of the ladies on my friend's list (and two of my prom dates from the 80s) are either pregnant or just had their babies, such as [info]sistawife. I can read your filthy little minds, so let me clear up some things right here and right now. Maury Povich will back me up and declare that I am not the father. Now that you know I am not to blame, let me inform you of how babies are made.

How Babies Are Made, an Overview

  1. Booze: If you've ever woken up on the front porch without any pants and immediately had to ask yourself, "Do I feel violated?" then booze might have been involved.

  2. Marvin Gaye: When a guy wants to get it on for some sexual healing nothing works better than starting up a Marvin Gaye CD. Ladies, you have been warned.

  3. Orlando Bloom: This guy is loved by women everywhere and he's been in plenty of movies that guys dig. He might not be the direct cause of your pregnancy, but he is probably responsible for making women overlook the shortcomings of the man they are with, if only temporarily.

  4. Cool cars: Women won't admit this immediately, but a guy in a cool car is gonna score. If you think I'm making this up then I want to hear from a woman that got hot because a dude was cruising in a Kia Rio. I bet I'll be hearing crickets.

  5. Mysterious Ways: Maybe you caught it from a dirty toilet seat? It could happen!

  6. Shoulder rubs: I have heard that this starts most of the wickedness in our world.

  7. Turkey baster: Women such as Mary Cheney became knocked up through untraditional means. Ladies, make sure if you are in a room with a turkey baster that it is Thanksgiving.


There you have it. I hope that this post has been enlightening.

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  • 17 comments

[info]princessbobbie

June 20 2007, 01:45:48 UTC 4 years ago

HHmmmm......I have to agree with the booze, and the shoulder rub. Not sure about baby #3, he must have been a stork baby.

[info]jimb

June 20 2007, 11:22:09 UTC 4 years ago


Perhaps a dirty toilet seat is to blame?

[info]caseus

June 20 2007, 07:02:42 UTC 4 years ago

God. Orlando Bloom is so gross.

[info]jimb

June 20 2007, 11:20:53 UTC 4 years ago


You are one of the precious few women on the ol' friend's list that isn't pregnant (as far as we know). I hope this post was educational, Mrs. Newlywed.

[info]caseus

June 20 2007, 17:53:14 UTC 4 years ago

Haha, this is a good point.

[info]voiceinmyhead

June 20 2007, 11:16:10 UTC 4 years ago

I don't think Orlando bloom is that fab but when he's dressed as Legolas I have to admit that I swoon. DAMN that elf is HOT.

David and I joke all the time about going on Maury to make sure he's the father. ^_^

[info]jimb

June 20 2007, 11:23:19 UTC 4 years ago


Maury Povich is the king of crappy make-overs and telling dudes they are not the father. So I can think of two reasons for you to never be on his show.

[info]voiceinmyhead

June 20 2007, 11:46:32 UTC 4 years ago

When we need a laugh, I ask David if he wants to know who the baby daddy is and we turn on Maury. i also like the shows where the 12-year-olds want to have babies. Those are fun.

[info]jimb

June 20 2007, 12:12:02 UTC 4 years ago


Those shows illustrate, to me, why Elvis shot his television.

[info]voiceinmyhead

June 20 2007, 12:44:01 UTC 4 years ago

There are many shows that make me want to shoot my television. Luckily there are also the Discovery, national Geographic, and History channels, which have redeeming qualities and make me like my television again.

[info]jimb

June 20 2007, 12:48:03 UTC 4 years ago


Whenever Maury Povich is on the teevee all I this is, "How can that hottie Connie Chung be married to this putz?"

[info]voiceinmyhead

June 20 2007, 12:52:06 UTC 4 years ago

Well, I like to think he's trying to help people. Although I have often wondered that very same thing.

[info]jimb

June 20 2007, 13:04:04 UTC 4 years ago


This post is my attempt at helping people. But I'm not putting people in front of the world to embarrass themselves. My advice will help ladies before they need Maury's help.

True fact. The missus has a cousin that was on Montel's show. The episode: Teenage Mom's That Still Want To Party! That was a proud moment.

[info]goddessdeath

June 22 2007, 00:13:15 UTC 4 years ago

Hahahahahaha, I used to watch Montel all the time when I worked overnights at that one boring job for years and years before they took our TV privileges away...

And yeah, Maury's show USED to have SOME worth - he would help people out, give kids with cancer and such toys, clothes and trips, and things like that. Kind of, in a way, humanitarian things. Now - Yeah, I always call that show the "Who's Your Baby Daddy Show" now.

However, I would rather watch that anyday over Tyra.

[info]jimb

June 22 2007, 12:12:56 UTC 4 years ago


I've had the Tyra Banks show on twice. Is it wrong to watch her show with the volume on mute?

[info]goddessdeath

June 22 2007, 00:14:07 UTC 4 years ago

Actually, it's Johnny Depp for me, not Orlando Bloom. Sorry, I'm old school.

[info]jimb

June 22 2007, 12:14:03 UTC 4 years ago


This list isn't set in stone. If Mr. Depp is your man then that's cool.
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